我的翻译练习－－笑话一则（英汉对照）

Dear Husband:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.

I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything.

Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

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Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I  prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that  we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I Had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the  fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

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亲爱的老公：

我写信就是为了告诉你我要走了，这下总算能一劳永逸了。

我可是已经给你当了整整七年的好老婆了。没什么可证明的。可最近这两周的日子简直都没法儿过了。

你老板打电话说今儿你辞职了，所以我一听立马儿就傻了。

上礼拜有一天你回家的时候我换了个新发型、美了甲还给你做了你最爱吃的菜，甚至穿了一条新买的性感小睡裙在你眼前晃来晃去，你竟然都没反应。

你回了家就知道吃了睡和看球赛，你再也不说你爱我了，甚至都懒得搭理我。

要么是你变心了，要么你是不爱我了，反正不管怎么着，我走了。

另：别企图找我，我跟你哥哥这就远走高飞一起去西弗吉尼亚州住了。

祝人生愉快哈！

前老婆

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亲爱的前老婆：

看了你的信我可别提多爽了。我是跟你结婚七年了，但你离温顺贤惠体贴漂亮那可真不是差了一星半点儿了。

我看球赛是为了躲你絮叨的，结果也没用。

我那天知道你剪头发，我一见着你就看出来了，剪得跟个男的似的。我妈教我的是如果对一件事没什么可表扬的那就还是啥也甭说的好。

你说给我做的我最爱吃的菜，八成是把我跟我哥哥弄混了吧。我七年前就戒猪肉了。

我不想碰你是因为你穿的那睡裙连商标都没摘。我哥哥那天早上刚管我借了50块钱，最好不是为了买这个49块9毛9的破裙子用的。

尽管如此，我还是爱你的，我觉得我们可以重新开始。

所以我中了一千万的彩票以后，我就马上辞职，买了两张去牙买加的机票。可是我回家的时候你都已经走了。

看来凡事都是有原因的啊。

希望你能过上你一直想要的生活。我的律师说了，就凭你这封信你一分钱也甭想从我这儿拿了。

祝你幸福。

另：我不知道我跟没跟你说过，我哥哥Carl，他生出来的时候其实叫Carla（意指哥哥是变性人）。可别吓着您哈。

一周杂记

头儿2上周休年假，这周一二病假，昨天来上班后一天没出现在座位上。今天早上头儿3接了个电话，挂了后跟我们说2是昨天下午6点40才下班的，真可怜啊云云。我在肚子里笑了笑，表面上还得装得合群点儿，跟他们一起感叹一下。呵呵，6点40？兄弟当年在北京的时候，加班都是到11点多，最晚一次1点40。今天头儿2又没来，想必又嫌烦了躲清静去了。这个世界上难道真有事儿少钱多责任轻的工作不成？这也赖不得别人，他这人就喜欢什么事都自己处理，自己写信自己发，谁也不告诉。可是他躲得了初一，躲得了十五么。。。

上周新来的保罗暂时顶替了7月底心脏病发的头儿1。又是一个比我小两岁的领导，可工资高了好几级。郁闷。上周五我突然想起来了，一直看着他觉得长的象谁，原来是象断背山里那个话比较少的演员。而且连说话也象，口音极重，用词也极怪诞。跟他说了，他立马澄清：我不是gay呀！后来听说他周末回去还专门找了那个电影看了一遍。

这个替补刚开始的表现可不太好，已经数次做错事。我专门问了带他的头儿3某事是否已经告诉他要怎么做，说教过了。由于我跟他的工作内容衔接比较多，好几件错了的事甚至只好由我来教他，其中还包括单词拼写这种问题。我想起我的医生对我说的话：如果你做什么都不出错的话，你就可以坐你老板的位子了，那还要老板干什么呢？保罗虽然不是我老板，可现在的情况就是，他薪水比我高53%，而我却要整天跟在他屁股后面收拾错误。头儿3倒是看起来很喜欢这个替补的，在他离开座位去倒水的一分钟里电话响了，3立刻手脚麻利地替他接听并殷勤转接。而平时3自己的电话铃响，即使她本人就站在离座位1米的地方聊大天也不会主动接的，通常都得要我接了问是谁啥事才能再跑去问她要不要听。希望不是我太恶毒了，因为我觉得这个现象的原因是在于保是年轻俊俏男而3是年过半百未嫁女。。。。

HR的IT部那个当助理的小伙子借调到HERA部门了，所以在全校内部发了广告招聘找人顶他，需要条件仅仅是Excel熟练。我想要是我老公还在这学校工作就很可能跟我一办公室了！那可太搞笑了吧。